Painful Memories One Shot
by BeckyLadiye
Summary: Edward finds out that the morphine didn't help Bella's pain during her conversion.


Disclaimer: All Stephanie Meyer's. Don't steal my ideas or I'll send Major Whitlock for a visit after two weeks without sustenance.

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"Bella."

I looked up from the book I was reading, curled up in front of the fireplace in our bedroom. Renesmee was asleep and Edward had been up at the house watching a game with Charlie and Emmett. I had used the rare free time to catch up on a book I'd been meaning to read for weeks, since I didn't often willingly choose to spend any time away from my family. Or one minute of my nights away from Edward. My husband. The angel that was standing in the doorway to our bedroom with an anguished expression on his beautiful face. The book landed with an unnoticed thud as I flashed to his side.

"Edward, what's wrong?" I reached a hand up to stroke his cheek. His eyes were black, not from hunger, but from some unknown torture. He looked down at me and if it were possible, the anguish deepened.

"Why? Oh, Bella, why..." he trailed off, unable to finish his thought. He dropped to his knees and buried his face in my belly, his shoulders shaking with dry sobs. I was frozen as my mind skittered in panic. Had one of them eaten my father? Or Jacob? No, he was asking me why. What had I done that would cause this much pain? I searched my mind for something vile enough that Edward was sobbing at my feet because of it. Had I done something I wasn't aware of? As far as I knew, Edward knew all of my faults, all of my sins, and he had forgiven every one of them.

"Edward, my dearest love, why what?" I asked this with a voice filled with confusion, fear and even a little anguish of my own. His silent pain was breaking my unbeating heart. Hoping to lend him some measure of comfort, I pushed my shield away, allowing him into my mind. Times like this, I wish I had his gift as well. I really needed to know what was hurting him. However, my action didn't seem to comfort him, instead, he crushed me closer to him. If I had still been human, my back would be broken. I immediately pushed that thought away before it triggered memories of the time my spine actually had been broken.

"No." Edward looked up, his tortured eyes searching mine as his mind was obviously sifting though my thoughts. "Don't push that away. Why, Bella? Why didn't you tell me?"

I knew, then, why he was acting this way. Carlisle. I didn't care how much I loved Edward's father, I was going to rip his throat out for making Edward hurt this way. I let the anger overwhelm me, because it kept me from thinking other thoughts, the very thoughts I didn't want him to see. Edward went very still, and understanding dawned.

"You did it to spare me? Oh, Bella, I..."

"Don't you oh, Bella me, Edward. I have caused you enough pain in your life." The words came out as a snarl. I was still intent on killing Carlisle. But the memories weren't going to hide behind my anger for long. Before they could seep through, I let my shield snap back, banishing Edward from my thoughts. Edward was always sighed when I did that, as he if felt bereft of something precious. This time, he did more than sigh. He stood up and grasped my face in his hands.

"Please, Bella." He pleaded. I sighed, my anger at Carlisle dulled in the light of Edward's desparation.

"You really are masochistic, aren't you my love. Okay, so it hurt. But look at the bright side, it was only two days, not three. I got off easy. Its over a year behind us now, a distant memory." Distant, and yet it still had the ability to make me flinch and shudder if I dwelt on it too long.

"Bella, the morphine, it didn't help did it? Carlisle covered his thoughts fast, but not fast enough." Edward hadn't let go of my face, but he seemed to have calmed. Perhaps it was only the initial shock of learning he'd been misled that had broken him. I sighed.

"I really am going to kill your father." Edward managed a weak chuckle before he swung me up into his arms. He went over to bed, laying me down and stretching out beside me, never letting go of me.

"Blame Charlie. He started talking to Carlisle about the dangers of over medicating." I could feel Edward's breath in my hair, felt his hand stroking down my back. I snuggled into his arms and tucked my head under his chin. I knew he would never let me off the hook now that he suspected, not until I gave him all the gory details. I sighed and pushed the shield out again. I couldn't tell him out loud. It only took a few seconds to show him everything. Our minds worked so much faster, with no human limitations.

"Oh God, that explains so much," he said with a groan, crushing me against him again. I was shivering with reaction. I had never relived that memory in full, and had hoped I would never have to. But I did. For Edward.

"Explains what?" I was curious, letting his words distract me. Since I had never discussed my experience with anyone, I hadn't been able to discuss the comparisons with any other vampire. All I'd done was give Carlisle a cryptic warning about the morphine not helping with the pain.

"For one, the reason it only took two days. You didn't fight it. You just held on. Mind over matter...and you think I have extraordinary self control." He shook his head, dumbfounded. I tilted my head up and kissed his jaw.

"I learned from the best, between you and Carlisle," I said, though the last name was hissed between my teeth. I thought avoiding the big house for a few days might be a good idea. Edward would mourn the loss of his father deeply. Not to mention Alice might never forgive me.

"Don't put me into the same realm as the two of you, Bella. If I had more self control, Renesmee wouldn't exist. We wouldn't be together. I would have let you go." He sounded exasperated. I just laughed.

"If you didn't have an iron clad self control, I would have been dead the day I met you or very soon thereafter. I threw myself at you at every opportunity, Edward. Perhaps it has more to do with your motivation, what anchors you, than a thoughtless act of will. In the beginning, before you loved me, I believe it was your family that kept me safe from your teeth. For me, I had two people to anchor me during that horrible time, when all I wanted to do was scream for someone, anyone to kill me. You and Renesmee. You still anchor me."

"Perhaps." It was all Edward said before lapsing into silence. We lay there, like a pair of entwined statues, just holding each other. I let my thoughts drift to more pleasant things and waited. I knew my husband was thinking over everything, trying to resolve my actions and my decisions. When he finally spoke, the sun was beginning to lighten the sky to the east.

"Thank you. If I had known you were hurting so, I would have fallen apart."

I pulled back a bit to look up at him, into his eyes. He smiled his beautiful crooked smile, but his eyes were still anguished. I leaned forward and pressed my cheek against his. I let my thoughts dwell on how grateful I was that he had been by my side during the ordeal.

"You counted my breaths?" He asked softly. I nodded, rubbing my skin against his. Then I turned my head so that I could press my lips against his. I thought very hard about how much I loved him, my anchor, my soul. In response, his mouth slid from mine to caress my jaw, my cheek, my ear. As it always did, my concentration shattered and my shield snapped back. He paused.

"One day, I hope you're able to hold that through an entire night of making love." His deep voice was amused. I sighed happily, knowing that he would be alright now.

"Practice makes perfect, but for now, I'll just have to tell you what I'm thinking." I stretched up so I could whisper in his ear.

"With great pleasure, Bella." His voice was husky as he started with my first suggestion and proceeded to make me hope that Renesmee would sleep a little later than usual this morning.


End file.
